A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it......don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; thats like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasplogistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need Grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetables.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a hambuger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,.........etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is NO PAIN.......GOOD.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only do sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO....Cocoa beans.....Another vegetable!!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have about food and diets. Have a cookie....flour is a veggie!

One more thing..."When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."